In Hiding

My heart is heavy with conviction-God's been working in me the past three days. I feel Him everywhere, see him everywhere; and I keep piddling instead of hitting my knees. I know he's calling me. I knew it again in my missions class today, and I was there right in the middle of Isaiah 6:8 at the national all over again...the days after, the weeping, the wrestling; fighting God.
This war inside of me won't end. Divine v.s. evil. I choose God. I choose God. I choose Him...but still-the war wages. My fears get bigger then God gets bigger, then my fears, then God...my selfishness, then God.
I fear going, I fear not going. I'm terrified of not going.

"Wherever" I say...
But my feet aren't moving. They are running...like Jonah.

And every service, I meet Him at the door. Every day it's getting heavier. I weep for Him. I thirst for Him, I fear Him.
Still the piddling instead of praying.

And I am Jonah. Today, I am not Isaiah.

And it breaks my heart.
I wish this war would end. I wish I would stop wrestling Him.
I wish I would let Him win sooner than later.

Please God,
Help me to submit...

Because today, I'm crumbling in fear.