Everything is weighing me down.
I am exhausted
Mentally
And emotionally
And sleep isn't anywhere to be found.
I miss my mom.
I miss my bed.
I miss the smell of my house.
Tonight-
I wish I was home.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The trees here cradle me
And rain drenches and
Quenches the thirst of my soul.
And I'm taken back to that place
Where Dickinson would take me as a child.
She wrote of these hills-
I'm sure of it,
These small roads, so sleepy and quiet
Whispering would wake them.
Where songs from the piano ring out
And float upward,
But never escape these perfect canopies.
And sweet tea kisses my lips-
And it is poetry
When cheerful voices wrap around
The wooden porches of this tiny town-
Telling stories,
Whose faces belong wrapped in the lockets of time
That beckon lost souls to believe.
How I fall in love Here
With the old
Wooden staircases,
Book after book-
Row after row,
And I breathe still,
As I near the quiet picture windows
Thick with history;
Like a sonnet from a black and white
Memory.
And the scholars with their
Horn-rimmed classes,
And their fancy ties,
Southern drawls
And
Southern bell wives;
Each perfectly crafted characters of
A story-
That I'll someday tell
If anyone ever asks me what Christ has done for me.
I'll tell them he lead me here,
To this Paradise,
That I've only ever found in poetry;
This heaven.
This symphony.
And rain drenches and
Quenches the thirst of my soul.
And I'm taken back to that place
Where Dickinson would take me as a child.
She wrote of these hills-
I'm sure of it,
These small roads, so sleepy and quiet
Whispering would wake them.
Where songs from the piano ring out
And float upward,
But never escape these perfect canopies.
And sweet tea kisses my lips-
And it is poetry
When cheerful voices wrap around
The wooden porches of this tiny town-
Telling stories,
Whose faces belong wrapped in the lockets of time
That beckon lost souls to believe.
How I fall in love Here
With the old
Wooden staircases,
Book after book-
Row after row,
And I breathe still,
As I near the quiet picture windows
Thick with history;
Like a sonnet from a black and white
Memory.
And the scholars with their
Horn-rimmed classes,
And their fancy ties,
Southern drawls
And
Southern bell wives;
Each perfectly crafted characters of
A story-
That I'll someday tell
If anyone ever asks me what Christ has done for me.
I'll tell them he lead me here,
To this Paradise,
That I've only ever found in poetry;
This heaven.
This symphony.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
In Hiding
My heart is heavy with conviction-God's been working in me the past three days. I feel Him everywhere, see him everywhere; and I keep piddling instead of hitting my knees. I know he's calling me. I knew it again in my missions class today, and I was there right in the middle of Isaiah 6:8 at the national all over again...the days after, the weeping, the wrestling; fighting God.
This war inside of me won't end. Divine v.s. evil. I choose God. I choose God. I choose Him...but still-the war wages. My fears get bigger then God gets bigger, then my fears, then God...my selfishness, then God.
I fear going, I fear not going. I'm terrified of not going.
"Wherever" I say...
But my feet aren't moving. They are running...like Jonah.
And every service, I meet Him at the door. Every day it's getting heavier. I weep for Him. I thirst for Him, I fear Him.
Still the piddling instead of praying.
And I am Jonah. Today, I am not Isaiah.
And it breaks my heart.
I wish this war would end. I wish I would stop wrestling Him.
I wish I would let Him win sooner than later.
Please God,
Help me to submit...
Because today, I'm crumbling in fear.
This war inside of me won't end. Divine v.s. evil. I choose God. I choose God. I choose Him...but still-the war wages. My fears get bigger then God gets bigger, then my fears, then God...my selfishness, then God.
I fear going, I fear not going. I'm terrified of not going.
"Wherever" I say...
But my feet aren't moving. They are running...like Jonah.
And every service, I meet Him at the door. Every day it's getting heavier. I weep for Him. I thirst for Him, I fear Him.
Still the piddling instead of praying.
And I am Jonah. Today, I am not Isaiah.
And it breaks my heart.
I wish this war would end. I wish I would stop wrestling Him.
I wish I would let Him win sooner than later.
Please God,
Help me to submit...
Because today, I'm crumbling in fear.
Monday, August 23, 2010
We're
Lonlier now;
Different somehow,
And we don't even understand it.
The knowing wells in our bellies
And fear keeps us from telling
The truth.
And there is no solid ground;
We're wading waters where we
Once stood
Secretly praying not to drown.
The emptiness that engulfs
Us
Presses down like gravity
Cloaks our eyes so we can't see-
Nothing is what it used to be.
And nothing is as it seems.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Homes
I can't wait until my birthday. Mom's coming to Nashville to see me! Hopefully we'll be able to see the city, but I think it will just be awesome to see each other. We've never spent this much time apart.I'm lucky though, because it doesn't feel like I've been apart from her. I feel like I'm on vacation-a much needed vacation. And we talk every day.
I'm falling in love with this city.
I wish she would just move here.
I don't want to go back to Norman. There's too much sadness there.
I feel like these hills have always known me-
They are a part of my soul and I can't explain it.
It's like all along I was missing them and I never knew it.
And I don't know how anything from I 35 to East 24th will ever satiate me after I leave here.
I think in parting-it will create a thirst in me that
Will never die;
I could live here forever.
control.control.control.
I think the hardest things about Jade adapting in a new place is her need to control everything.
I hate how I get thrown out of my comfort zone and start scrambling. I read this great quote by Molly Ringwald the other day. It wasn't extremely philosophical but I keep going back to it. They asked her-"What's the best advice you could give to someone?" She said something to the affect of "Keep composure...and remember it really IS going to be OKAY."
And it's almost laughable when I vocalize it all my fears-
Which is what I was told to do a long time ago to cope with my OCD.
I find myself repeating
"Jade, it's OKAY that your index cards are not lined up perfectly."
"Jade it's OKAY that your face is not perfectly symmetrical."
"Jade it's OKAY that the left scoop of ice cream is not the same size as the right."
"Jade it's OKAY that your clothes aren't organized by color and size."
"Jade that is a mosquito bite-not cancer."
"Jade-those are heart palpitations from your anxiety. You're not having a massive heart
attack at the age of 19."
It's laughable, even writing it out. The fear is irrational and misplaced.
But if YOU saw my note cards...
You would understand.
I hate how I get thrown out of my comfort zone and start scrambling. I read this great quote by Molly Ringwald the other day. It wasn't extremely philosophical but I keep going back to it. They asked her-"What's the best advice you could give to someone?" She said something to the affect of "Keep composure...and remember it really IS going to be OKAY."
And it's almost laughable when I vocalize it all my fears-
Which is what I was told to do a long time ago to cope with my OCD.
I find myself repeating
"Jade, it's OKAY that your index cards are not lined up perfectly."
"Jade it's OKAY that your face is not perfectly symmetrical."
"Jade it's OKAY that the left scoop of ice cream is not the same size as the right."
"Jade it's OKAY that your clothes aren't organized by color and size."
"Jade that is a mosquito bite-not cancer."
"Jade-those are heart palpitations from your anxiety. You're not having a massive heart
attack at the age of 19."
It's laughable, even writing it out. The fear is irrational and misplaced.
But if YOU saw my note cards...
You would understand.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
"This my song, through endless ages-Jesus led me all the way..."
A few months ago, in church we were talking about divine moments; how they happen at least once if not many times throughout every Christian's walk with Christ. We talked about how those moments are special because they shake us to our core-whether it be through new opportunities that excite us or being broken so that Christ can prune our leaves and mend us back to health, they are all divine and all important in our journey.
I am so lucky that Christ broke my heart to save it. The call was so heavy at first. The burden on my heart-unspeakable. But I can't help but always reflect on those few days before the national when I was on my knees BEGGING God to enter in.
It's amazing how lost you can get on the journey...sometimes you walk ahead of God instead of following him.
I was in my plan, and worshiping with my body-but not my spirit. Now, I only long to chase Christ-to see what he has for me.
I am in no way perfect or close to it-and everything in this heart needs work. My habits, my jealousy, my judgment, my attitude, my need to control, my doubt, my fears; all of those things still need to be healed.
But now that I see Him with a fresh vision-there is hope of that healing. There is certainty.
"All the way my savior leads me..."
And I will follow until the end.
I am so lucky that Christ broke my heart to save it. The call was so heavy at first. The burden on my heart-unspeakable. But I can't help but always reflect on those few days before the national when I was on my knees BEGGING God to enter in.
It's amazing how lost you can get on the journey...sometimes you walk ahead of God instead of following him.
I was in my plan, and worshiping with my body-but not my spirit. Now, I only long to chase Christ-to see what he has for me.
I am in no way perfect or close to it-and everything in this heart needs work. My habits, my jealousy, my judgment, my attitude, my need to control, my doubt, my fears; all of those things still need to be healed.
But now that I see Him with a fresh vision-there is hope of that healing. There is certainty.
"All the way my savior leads me..."
And I will follow until the end.
My Mansion
Today I decided to spend the afternoon curled up on my bed with the lights turned down, making coffee, writing letters, and listening to John.
It's pouring outside-which nourishes my soul.
Though I miss Mom and my friends-I don't miss Norman yet. And the more I fall in love with this city...I'm wondering if I ever will.
It sounds so harsh when I say it like that...My Norman-which was my home for so long, should make me feel more melancholy than I do. But...I don't.
There's just so much-too much, that happened. And when I think about driving down Main or Robinson, my stomach aches. When I consider the "What if's" like, 'What if I had stayed and gone back to OU?', I feel bound up and suffocated.
God did a miraculous thing for me. I needed out of Norman. I needed out of lock-down. I needed out of fear.
Did I outgrow Norman? No.
Did Norman fall out of love with me?
I think so.
And that part makes me sad. The place that once saved me and brought me peace became a "square peg, round hole" situation.
My life was put on pause by chaos,
And sorrow
And small-to-most, but large-to-me tragedies...
And in the end-God had to intervene.
I was hanging on to a cardboard box, when God had prepared for me a mansion.
A mansion full of faith.
A mansion full of love.
A mansion full of friends.
And every worry I ever had about leaving Norman-God took care of.
It's evident in this rain.
All around me, there is peace.
Thank you, God.
Finally-peace.
In YOU alone, my hope is found.
It's pouring outside-which nourishes my soul.
Though I miss Mom and my friends-I don't miss Norman yet. And the more I fall in love with this city...I'm wondering if I ever will.
It sounds so harsh when I say it like that...My Norman-which was my home for so long, should make me feel more melancholy than I do. But...I don't.
There's just so much-too much, that happened. And when I think about driving down Main or Robinson, my stomach aches. When I consider the "What if's" like, 'What if I had stayed and gone back to OU?', I feel bound up and suffocated.
God did a miraculous thing for me. I needed out of Norman. I needed out of lock-down. I needed out of fear.
Did I outgrow Norman? No.
Did Norman fall out of love with me?
I think so.
And that part makes me sad. The place that once saved me and brought me peace became a "square peg, round hole" situation.
My life was put on pause by chaos,
And sorrow
And small-to-most, but large-to-me tragedies...
And in the end-God had to intervene.
I was hanging on to a cardboard box, when God had prepared for me a mansion.
A mansion full of faith.
A mansion full of love.
A mansion full of friends.
And every worry I ever had about leaving Norman-God took care of.
It's evident in this rain.
All around me, there is peace.
Thank you, God.
Finally-peace.
In YOU alone, my hope is found.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
God's Promise
The drive to Nashville was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.
Not many can say that, I'm sure-after enduring a grueling ten hour drive.
But for me it-it was a dream.
I've never seen anything as beautiful as the hills of Arkansas,
They wrap around you and satiate your soul.
They are a masterpiece that no one should ever go without seeing.
I always wonder as I drive through-
If I would appreciate them as much if I lived there.
I just know that every hour I was on the road-
I tasted them and savored them as long as I could.
One thing I noticed about the drive here,
Was that you could look back behind you, and we were constantly inclining.
Looking around at all the greenery-
On that highway...
I was reminded of the dream that I had in February,
When I was brought to the top of the mountain with Christ.
Throughout the trip I began to be amazed at the similarities
Between what I was seeing ahead of me
And what I experienced on that night so long ago.
And when the skies opened up-
Right outside of Nashville and began to pour down rain-
After weeks and weeks of dry 104 degree weather days...
I reflected on Christ's words to me
"Only I can satiate you. You'll never be thirsty with me."
I knew that rain was for me.
Thank you God for giving me my "high way"
And my mountain.
And
Thank you God,
For quenching the thirst of my soul-
After being in the desert for so long.
Not many can say that, I'm sure-after enduring a grueling ten hour drive.
But for me it-it was a dream.
I've never seen anything as beautiful as the hills of Arkansas,
They wrap around you and satiate your soul.
They are a masterpiece that no one should ever go without seeing.
I always wonder as I drive through-
If I would appreciate them as much if I lived there.
I just know that every hour I was on the road-
I tasted them and savored them as long as I could.
One thing I noticed about the drive here,
Was that you could look back behind you, and we were constantly inclining.
Looking around at all the greenery-
On that highway...
I was reminded of the dream that I had in February,
When I was brought to the top of the mountain with Christ.
Throughout the trip I began to be amazed at the similarities
Between what I was seeing ahead of me
And what I experienced on that night so long ago.
And when the skies opened up-
Right outside of Nashville and began to pour down rain-
After weeks and weeks of dry 104 degree weather days...
I reflected on Christ's words to me
"Only I can satiate you. You'll never be thirsty with me."
I knew that rain was for me.
Thank you God for giving me my "high way"
And my mountain.
And
Thank you God,
For quenching the thirst of my soul-
After being in the desert for so long.
The Dream
I don't tell people much about the dream I had in February-partially because it's so sacred to me, and partially because I don't feel like many people would understand.
It used to sound crazy to me-when I'd say the words out loud. But more and more, it doesn't sound as crazy-because I've seen the magnificent works that Christ has done in just the past short month.
And now-I have to share it. I have to share the promise that he kept to me...the promise from Isaiah 35...the promise from the dream.
I've never been biblical savvy.
While I've always been a Christian, and love devotions-I'll be the first to admit that I don't devote as much time as I should to reading God's word.
Which is why when I had this dream-I had no idea that it was directly from scripture.
On that night in February...I was in the desert, at the base of a mountain of boulders. Everything around me was in sepia tones. There was no color, and I was terribly thirsty.
But I had to climb the mountain. I had to do it! On the other side were my old friends-my old life; my life before all the bad from last year happened...and I needed them back! I was determined to get them back.
As I began to climb, my whole body ached. I was drenched in sweat and so dizzy-so tired.
Suddenly,
I was hoisted up by a great force. In all of His glory, Christ was there...at the top of the mountain-waiting for me.
He looked rather ordinary, friendly, and like a father. He wore a red polo and jeans and offered me a ride in his red pickup.
Together-we road down a highway...around us plush greenery was sprouting up everywhere-there were valleys and creeks and the skies were blue; everything began blossoming in bright color!
Inside, he sat next to me, but I could feel his love all around me. I was completely secure.
He began speaking to me as he handed me a beautiful collage.
"This is the person I have for you. I have someone especially for you. But you must follow me. Those people...they will never satiate you. Only I can satiate you. You will not thirst with me. Will you follow me?"
The collage was rich with things I loved...pictures of my favorite flowers, historical figures...random odds and ends.
Suddenly, he let me down on the other side of the mountain...to see (I gathered) what my life would be without him.
On the other side was an enormous, gorgeous, round fountain (once again in sepia tones)-that had run completely dry. On the edges...sat all the people throughout my life that had broken my heart, or left me, or belittled me.
And I thirsted for His grace again; and I longed for the top of that mountain so much that I awoke with my heart pounding...
I knew it had to mean something huge-
And I was right.
It used to sound crazy to me-when I'd say the words out loud. But more and more, it doesn't sound as crazy-because I've seen the magnificent works that Christ has done in just the past short month.
And now-I have to share it. I have to share the promise that he kept to me...the promise from Isaiah 35...the promise from the dream.
I've never been biblical savvy.
While I've always been a Christian, and love devotions-I'll be the first to admit that I don't devote as much time as I should to reading God's word.
Which is why when I had this dream-I had no idea that it was directly from scripture.
On that night in February...I was in the desert, at the base of a mountain of boulders. Everything around me was in sepia tones. There was no color, and I was terribly thirsty.
But I had to climb the mountain. I had to do it! On the other side were my old friends-my old life; my life before all the bad from last year happened...and I needed them back! I was determined to get them back.
As I began to climb, my whole body ached. I was drenched in sweat and so dizzy-so tired.
Suddenly,
I was hoisted up by a great force. In all of His glory, Christ was there...at the top of the mountain-waiting for me.
He looked rather ordinary, friendly, and like a father. He wore a red polo and jeans and offered me a ride in his red pickup.
Together-we road down a highway...around us plush greenery was sprouting up everywhere-there were valleys and creeks and the skies were blue; everything began blossoming in bright color!
Inside, he sat next to me, but I could feel his love all around me. I was completely secure.
He began speaking to me as he handed me a beautiful collage.
"This is the person I have for you. I have someone especially for you. But you must follow me. Those people...they will never satiate you. Only I can satiate you. You will not thirst with me. Will you follow me?"
The collage was rich with things I loved...pictures of my favorite flowers, historical figures...random odds and ends.
Suddenly, he let me down on the other side of the mountain...to see (I gathered) what my life would be without him.
On the other side was an enormous, gorgeous, round fountain (once again in sepia tones)-that had run completely dry. On the edges...sat all the people throughout my life that had broken my heart, or left me, or belittled me.
And I thirsted for His grace again; and I longed for the top of that mountain so much that I awoke with my heart pounding...
I knew it had to mean something huge-
And I was right.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
When God Calls
You aren't always expecting it...
"Help me use my talents oh Lord!" I'd say.
"Give me direction in my life. I want to live a life of purpose."
"God, I've lost all my passion, I don't know where to go..." I'd pray.
"God help me, my life has lost all meaning."
When God calls, you're not always ready.
"Oh wow! YOU'RE SO BRAVE! I was going to move out of state too, but, I couldn't leave my Mom...or my job. This place is home-I love Norman, you know?!"
When God calls...
It makes you feel small.
Because the spotlight is on you;
You must choose-
In this war
That is going on inside of you...
Divine vs Evil
Your old life vs your new.
When God calls, there's nowhere to hide.
When God calls, you know it will never be the same again.
"Don't be a Jonah. Don't be a Jonah! Don't be a Jonah! Jade...you have to GO!"
Isaiah 6:8
Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.
"Oh God! WHO WILL go...to the middle east and witness to the oppressed? WHO WILL GO to the ends of the earth and spread your word? WHAT WILL THOSE PEOPLE DO IF THEY DON'T HEAR YOUR WORD, GOD?!"
"WHO WILL GO?!"
When God calls...
You hear it loud and clear.
Even if nobody else does.
"You."
"GO."
When God calls, sometimes...you hang up the phone.
Day 1. "Absolutely not. This is not negotiable. Impossible. Unreal. No! No! No!"
Day 2. "God, I am not ready. God-this is crazy, I had PLANS-what about what I want?"
Day 3. "God...please don't make me. Please choose someone else."
Day 4. "God, I don't know why you've picked me. I'm sure it's a great honor. But I'm not ready. This wasn't MY plan God. Can't you send someone else? What if it's dangerous? What if I get hurt? What if I never see my Mom again? God...what if I fail you? What if I stay, Lord? What if I don't go? What will happen? Will you be angry? Will you punish me? God...
What will happen if I don't go? How many lives will be lost if I don't go? How many people will not know your miracles and your mercy and your grace if I don't go? God...I know this isn't about me. Please Lord-humble me. Prepare me. God. Please, Lord...take the fear away. I must go. I must go!
Here am I Lord,
send ME."
When God calls, He changes you, and you do things you never dreamed you would do...
Acts 1:8 To the ends of the earth, Lord. Wherever.
"Help me use my talents oh Lord!" I'd say.
"Give me direction in my life. I want to live a life of purpose."
"God, I've lost all my passion, I don't know where to go..." I'd pray.
"God help me, my life has lost all meaning."
When God calls, you're not always ready.
"Oh wow! YOU'RE SO BRAVE! I was going to move out of state too, but, I couldn't leave my Mom...or my job. This place is home-I love Norman, you know?!"
When God calls...
It makes you feel small.
Because the spotlight is on you;
You must choose-
In this war
That is going on inside of you...
Divine vs Evil
Your old life vs your new.
When God calls, there's nowhere to hide.
When God calls, you know it will never be the same again.
"Don't be a Jonah. Don't be a Jonah! Don't be a Jonah! Jade...you have to GO!"
Isaiah 6:8
Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.
"Oh God! WHO WILL go...to the middle east and witness to the oppressed? WHO WILL GO to the ends of the earth and spread your word? WHAT WILL THOSE PEOPLE DO IF THEY DON'T HEAR YOUR WORD, GOD?!"
"WHO WILL GO?!"
When God calls...
You hear it loud and clear.
Even if nobody else does.
"You."
"GO."
When God calls, sometimes...you hang up the phone.
Day 1. "Absolutely not. This is not negotiable. Impossible. Unreal. No! No! No!"
Day 2. "God, I am not ready. God-this is crazy, I had PLANS-what about what I want?"
Day 3. "God...please don't make me. Please choose someone else."
Day 4. "God, I don't know why you've picked me. I'm sure it's a great honor. But I'm not ready. This wasn't MY plan God. Can't you send someone else? What if it's dangerous? What if I get hurt? What if I never see my Mom again? God...what if I fail you? What if I stay, Lord? What if I don't go? What will happen? Will you be angry? Will you punish me? God...
What will happen if I don't go? How many lives will be lost if I don't go? How many people will not know your miracles and your mercy and your grace if I don't go? God...I know this isn't about me. Please Lord-humble me. Prepare me. God. Please, Lord...take the fear away. I must go. I must go!
Here am I Lord,
send ME."
When God calls, He changes you, and you do things you never dreamed you would do...
Acts 1:8 To the ends of the earth, Lord. Wherever.
