I feel as though my soul is pining-I am constantly chasing, constantly searching for Christ-but there's something in between us; something much bigger than me-a wall I am continuously coming up against; emotional warfare that I always seem to sink to the challenge of.
He's come in, he's cleaned house-but now, we're to the root of the problem-my idolatry. And it's all on the table. We can't move any further together until I stop worshipping the god that has had control of my life for the past 19 years.
Fear.
I fear so much of the future sometimes, it's hard to function.
It's a crazy thing; to have so much passion and conviction over something that I'm so terrified of. Every time we speak about Ramadan or the Middle East I get chills; heavy conviction floods my body-and I want to get on a plane and go.
I'm so afraid to go. I'm so afraid I'm not going to go about things right and I'm going to fail God. I'm so afraid of failing God-and running as far away as fast as I can.
I'm so afraid of what will happen if I don't go...of all the men and women who won't be lead to Christ.
And I'm afraid of going alone.
When I came here, my grandfather told me "For every female missionary there is a male missionary to go with her." But the truth is-people aren't responding to the call anymore. In this life, and in this free will-they don't HAVE to GO. They can choose not to go and many do.
Maybe I will go over there by myself. And that scares me.
It scares me to think of how big I can be with Christ...because it shows me how even at my best I was inadequate without him.
It scares me to think of all that I can do with him...because it shows I really can do NOTHING without him.
It scares me to see how far I can go...because I thought I've come so far.
It scares me to think that I can't even comprehend the plans he has for me because it's not in my control.
I am scared.
So we're stuck in a stalemate as I run from God.
I always find myself perfecting the act of "being a Jonah."
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