I Wish

You'd open your eyes and see;
Open your heart
And hear.

But you're too busy chasing
Empty dreams

That will always allude you;

And I can't wait
For you to come around;

And I can't wait for you
To hear me...

I'm scared to return to that tiny town
Where all the roads I've traveled down,
That spiral in
And spiral out-

That made a mess of me.

Perhaps in the days that I've been far,
The people have changed who they are-
And I'll have no sorrow to look upon,
When to that sad city
Home I come.

I sewed the seams
It seems to me,
And mended wounds
So perfectly-

No passerby
Could see tragedy
Where it's song was in the air.

Still east I roam
And linger here-
Drinking forever
A new frontier

Until my bags are backed
And West is near-

I'll memorize these city streets-
The ones that
Brought me back to me.

"Things to Consider"

On this overcast day,
I'm laying on this swing
Anticipating fall.

I'm always the most myself
When fall comes.
Something poetic comes to life
That has been asleep for ages.

Autumn Jade returns to me again-
That girl inside of me
That I constantly seek-
That I never can seem to keep around.

I depend on her spirit,
That dances in the sweet
Smells of cinnamon and pomegranate;

Who lays out in the grass,
Just to feel the blades run
Soft between her toes-
Cool,
And slow-

That doesn't want to miss a moment of the leaves changing...

That listens to "Things to Consider"
And manages to get lost every time
In between the lines
Of his music.

His music-
That gave me a place
To rest
When the world was falling apart.

And on this overcast day,
I'm swinging-
With
His melody
On repeat;

The song that will keep my heart occupied
Until
Autumn comes.

The Engagement Swing

Is the perfect place to take naps
In the afternoon-

The butterflies
In the garden dance
And prance around my head,

And the warmth of the
Day invites himself
In
To rest under the perfect
Emerald
And Kelly green
Cloaks
That drape themselves
Around the shoulders of
Mother earth.

My heaven.
My sanctuary...

The Birds Never Worry

Why should I?

My space
Is crowded
Though
Who loves me
Few-

The serenade
Surrounding
Not mine to dance to.

The words are empty,
But they're brilliant quotes
I hang them around me
Like they're mine to hold.

But they're not.
Because they're hers.

And I feel like a fool
Trying to make myself yours.

I am the best friend.

My ways are hidden,
I am the hill she stands upon
When you see her-
I am the sun on her face
That makes her all the more
Beautiful.

I am
Useless really,
Because without her,
No one would see me at all.
Because I am the hill.

And who wants a hill?
No one.

They only want her.

I am the best friend,
I water roots when they're thirsty,
Feed her soul when it's hungry
And nurse wounds.

It's my duty.
I take place in the shadows.
Under the moon.

If someday
I am not the hill
I'll sing a glorious tune,

But for now
I am the best friend-
Invisible to you.

It feels so good

To sneak away
Into the velvet night

Where no chaos
Waits to bind me in
No obstacles to fight.

Just crickets
Singing brilliantly
Below a perfect
Hedge-

And of all the places in the world,
I'd rather be here instead.

The idea that someone will come and love me exactly the way I am-
The deepest part of my heart
For everything I am;

Asking nothing,
Wanting everything-

Is almost more than I can comprehend...

One Month Ago-

I prayed for you-

and you came...

Autumn is Coming

And I can feel her slow,
And I can't wait to rush back
Into the arms I know-

How I long for her arrival!

I patiently wait-
Watching the horizon line
Anticipating that perfect moment
When her eyes meet mine.

She'll be rolling
Over the sweet
Hills
of Nashville-
Any day now.

And she's

Carrying memories
That will later be called mine-

And she's

Bringing antique
Lockets
That will stand the test of time.

She's been
Sipping on the pooling waters
Of July
Like they're hot tea with
Milk
And
Honey-

Cooling them down
After their grueling
Love affair
With summer.

And I'm so glad she's mine

To have and hold
And keep
Until winter
In his top hat comes to take her from me.

We'll share stories
Of old loves that lasted too long
And good loves that were never long enough,

And she'll wrap her arms around me
When I say

That times have been rough.

She'll ask me where he is-
That brown eyed boy that she has missed,
And I'll say he's off making magic
With someone else's kiss-

And she'll ask me if I miss who I miss
And I will say no.

She'll read to me Dickinson
And Keats
And Whitman

And when it's all over
I'll hold her like I'm never going to see her again.

I can hear Autumn coming

And I wait watching the horizon line

I can feel her electricity
On my hair and on my skin;

And she's been missing me-
That Autumn.

I can't wait
To call her mine.

Alarm City

It's 6:30 A.M.
And every alarm on the third floor is going off.
I only know this because it's Rush week-
And I've been up since 5:30
With everyone else.

The excitement is pretty brilliant on campus
You can feel it in the air.

So much for homework
This week...

Finding God

It feels so good,
After all of the searching-
To have finally found God.

He was there-
In the garden;
Cloaked in watercolor
And Never-dull;

Pouring sunshine down upon me,
Breathing air into my lungs.

And I felt Him
Everywhere.

And I'd missed him so much,
I laid back,
Out in the sun

Just to feel Him.

Away from chaos
Away from stress
Away from anxiety

Just me
And
My best friend

And the peace of knowing
Even though I've felt so far away from Him
I'm still right there
In the palm of His hand.

The Rain

Makes me feel at home today
I could put on
The Fray and
A pot of coffee

And write until I can't write
Anymore.

Here there is that poetry
That I
Used to find

In the quiet
City
Morning

Of Norman.

I sip inspiration in my
Morning tea;
And my fingers
Ache for acrylic

To bathe themselves in.

And all around me
There is paradise

And in the soft stillness
Of this black and white rain
My soul
Is rejuvenated and alive.

September 3, 2010

Home Turf.


Tigers bring it back to the Norman Original.

Let the tradition continue.

It Makes Me

Incredibly uncomfortable when
People stare at me in class.

I get it.
I know I don't have it all
Together

But could you stop rolling your
Eyes at me?

I spend most days wishing I was someone else.
And consistently
I betray myself.

I trace the lines of my own face,
And recognize nothing;

The blanks upon my pages,
Remain empty

And I fear discovery.

Habitually,
I talk low
Of myself,

And see no symphony-
No glory in my own eyes.

Gorgeous faces surround me
And I can not breathe from the feeling
Of
Inferiority.

And the only place,
I've ever felt home-

Is in between the pages
Of
Dickinson-

My quiet retreat.

The
Nights here,
Hang still-
Breathe me in,
Wish me out-
Sing me to sleep.

And I drink them
In the still song of silence;
The moments I must steal
From father time-

Before the tides pick up again.

I whisper
To you-
Under moonbeams
Because you understand

The ways of me.
And I have everything.

Curiosity.

There is this boy here, that never talks. Sometimes I worry about him. Always I wonder about him.
I wish there was a way to sit next to him, and open him up. But it's incredibly difficult because in everything he does he proclaims to love and defend his solitude.
I'd believe him if I didn't used to be the same way.
I wonder what his story is; where he came from, what his passions are.
Everyday I can't hardly contain myself when I see him
Because it might just be the day we become friends!
Real friends.

I want to be there for him so badly;
To make him laugh
Or feel something real-anything.

One of my best friends used to tell me all the time how I have this incredible ability to bring
People to life.
I think I've lost that.
I don't have it anymore.
But it's something I'd love to get back.

I used to have it together-
And that's something that most people that know me now would never believe.
I used to be hilarious and cool and collected.

But now I'm just a basket case.

It's amazing how insecurity destructs you
And eats away at the spirit inside of you that way.
It suffocates life
And cripples the soul.

I used to be secure
And confident-

And it's been made clear to me in the past few days,
That my insecurities are something that is incredibly evident.

I thought I'd been hiding it well.

Anyway,
If I still had the ability to move people-
I'd move him.

He is brilliant
And I want to make him see it.

I'd be lying if I said

that I'm not in a weird spot in my spirituality right now.

I feel as though my soul is pining-I am constantly chasing, constantly searching for Christ-but there's something in between us; something much bigger than me-a wall I am continuously coming up against; emotional warfare that I always seem to sink to the challenge of.

He's come in, he's cleaned house-but now, we're to the root of the problem-my idolatry. And it's all on the table. We can't move any further together until I stop worshipping the god that has had control of my life for the past 19 years.

Fear.

I fear so much of the future sometimes, it's hard to function.

It's a crazy thing; to have so much passion and conviction over something that I'm so terrified of. Every time we speak about Ramadan or the Middle East I get chills; heavy conviction floods my body-and I want to get on a plane and go.

I'm so afraid to go. I'm so afraid I'm not going to go about things right and I'm going to fail God. I'm so afraid of failing God-and running as far away as fast as I can.

I'm so afraid of what will happen if I don't go...of all the men and women who won't be lead to Christ.

And I'm afraid of going alone.

When I came here, my grandfather told me "For every female missionary there is a male missionary to go with her." But the truth is-people aren't responding to the call anymore. In this life, and in this free will-they don't HAVE to GO. They can choose not to go and many do.

Maybe I will go over there by myself. And that scares me.

It scares me to think of how big I can be with Christ...because it shows me how even at my best I was inadequate without him.

It scares me to think of all that I can do with him...because it shows I really can do NOTHING without him.

It scares me to see how far I can go...because I thought I've come so far.

It scares me to think that I can't even comprehend the plans he has for me because it's not in my control.

I am scared.

So we're stuck in a stalemate as I run from God.

I always find myself perfecting the act of "being a Jonah."

Today, I

Heard Mat Kearney on the radio.
It reminds me of that night,
When you were in Washington D.C.
And I called and sang to you on your answering machine


"What am I doing here-if you're not with me? What have I got to live for if it's just my own dream? Take it back to the beginning, back to the start; when gravity's pulling-you're still holding my heart..."

And I realized...

I was really good to you.

And in that realization,
I no longer felt bad about anything I'd said or done.

And I felt free.

Finally.