Slow this hurricane-

It keeps us running,

Baby-

Falling faster than the rain;

Makes us change

Everything-

We've ever bottled

Remedies for.

I swear-

It was like the back of my hand,

But you're falling faster,

And I can't stand

To catch you.

I'm too weak-

And you knocked all my faith

Out of my hands.

Run little boy,

As fast as you can.

Run little boy,

Leave me stranded

To pick up the pieces

To heal and to mend-

To beg God

To put it back together again.

Just Stay Gone

I don't believe it anyway-
Anymore.
You're slipping through my
Hands
And shattering on the floor-

You're pulling me under like
Sand-
And I adore you
When you're here,

But now you're gone-
Fear facing,
Fire racing inside of me;

Enough to say
Just stay-

Gone.

Because then you won't pretend
You want me

Then never stay.

Dear Zach,

I miss you-

And I love you.

Forever.

I'd weave you dreams

If you'd close your eyes and sleep

In peace,

In my arms-

Like there's nothing on your shoulders-

No burden

To bare.

And I drink you up,

When I cannot hold you

Because you're fighting me

And slipping like water

Right through my hands-

And I feel you

And smell you

And drink you,

And you are everywhere

But I don't know you.

And you

Only pretend to.

For you-

I'd draw my sword

And my small self would slay

Fears

If you'd fall into me,

And let me catch you-

And keep you,

And weave your dreams.

Our past is bound

And sold away
For cents that brought
Us victory,
But still on these October days

I miss the outline of your face.

And there was
Emptiness
In the spaces of time
Where your lips were meant to
Envelope mine;

And even as off course
As you were
You linger in passages
Where I stir-

Where some part of my spirit
Longs for yours.

And low-
Sings the buildings
That I know
That hug the streets I used to Roam-

They'll tell you of how I left that Home-
The day I let you go.

And bound between the covers
Are
The vacant sheets
Of fading words

And the melodies
I miss today-

Of what October sold away.

I Wish

You'd open your eyes and see;
Open your heart
And hear.

But you're too busy chasing
Empty dreams

That will always allude you;

And I can't wait
For you to come around;

And I can't wait for you
To hear me...

I'm scared to return to that tiny town
Where all the roads I've traveled down,
That spiral in
And spiral out-

That made a mess of me.

Perhaps in the days that I've been far,
The people have changed who they are-
And I'll have no sorrow to look upon,
When to that sad city
Home I come.

I sewed the seams
It seems to me,
And mended wounds
So perfectly-

No passerby
Could see tragedy
Where it's song was in the air.

Still east I roam
And linger here-
Drinking forever
A new frontier

Until my bags are backed
And West is near-

I'll memorize these city streets-
The ones that
Brought me back to me.

"Things to Consider"

On this overcast day,
I'm laying on this swing
Anticipating fall.

I'm always the most myself
When fall comes.
Something poetic comes to life
That has been asleep for ages.

Autumn Jade returns to me again-
That girl inside of me
That I constantly seek-
That I never can seem to keep around.

I depend on her spirit,
That dances in the sweet
Smells of cinnamon and pomegranate;

Who lays out in the grass,
Just to feel the blades run
Soft between her toes-
Cool,
And slow-

That doesn't want to miss a moment of the leaves changing...

That listens to "Things to Consider"
And manages to get lost every time
In between the lines
Of his music.

His music-
That gave me a place
To rest
When the world was falling apart.

And on this overcast day,
I'm swinging-
With
His melody
On repeat;

The song that will keep my heart occupied
Until
Autumn comes.

The Engagement Swing

Is the perfect place to take naps
In the afternoon-

The butterflies
In the garden dance
And prance around my head,

And the warmth of the
Day invites himself
In
To rest under the perfect
Emerald
And Kelly green
Cloaks
That drape themselves
Around the shoulders of
Mother earth.

My heaven.
My sanctuary...

The Birds Never Worry

Why should I?

My space
Is crowded
Though
Who loves me
Few-

The serenade
Surrounding
Not mine to dance to.

The words are empty,
But they're brilliant quotes
I hang them around me
Like they're mine to hold.

But they're not.
Because they're hers.

And I feel like a fool
Trying to make myself yours.

I am the best friend.

My ways are hidden,
I am the hill she stands upon
When you see her-
I am the sun on her face
That makes her all the more
Beautiful.

I am
Useless really,
Because without her,
No one would see me at all.
Because I am the hill.

And who wants a hill?
No one.

They only want her.

I am the best friend,
I water roots when they're thirsty,
Feed her soul when it's hungry
And nurse wounds.

It's my duty.
I take place in the shadows.
Under the moon.

If someday
I am not the hill
I'll sing a glorious tune,

But for now
I am the best friend-
Invisible to you.

It feels so good

To sneak away
Into the velvet night

Where no chaos
Waits to bind me in
No obstacles to fight.

Just crickets
Singing brilliantly
Below a perfect
Hedge-

And of all the places in the world,
I'd rather be here instead.

The idea that someone will come and love me exactly the way I am-
The deepest part of my heart
For everything I am;

Asking nothing,
Wanting everything-

Is almost more than I can comprehend...

One Month Ago-

I prayed for you-

and you came...

Autumn is Coming

And I can feel her slow,
And I can't wait to rush back
Into the arms I know-

How I long for her arrival!

I patiently wait-
Watching the horizon line
Anticipating that perfect moment
When her eyes meet mine.

She'll be rolling
Over the sweet
Hills
of Nashville-
Any day now.

And she's

Carrying memories
That will later be called mine-

And she's

Bringing antique
Lockets
That will stand the test of time.

She's been
Sipping on the pooling waters
Of July
Like they're hot tea with
Milk
And
Honey-

Cooling them down
After their grueling
Love affair
With summer.

And I'm so glad she's mine

To have and hold
And keep
Until winter
In his top hat comes to take her from me.

We'll share stories
Of old loves that lasted too long
And good loves that were never long enough,

And she'll wrap her arms around me
When I say

That times have been rough.

She'll ask me where he is-
That brown eyed boy that she has missed,
And I'll say he's off making magic
With someone else's kiss-

And she'll ask me if I miss who I miss
And I will say no.

She'll read to me Dickinson
And Keats
And Whitman

And when it's all over
I'll hold her like I'm never going to see her again.

I can hear Autumn coming

And I wait watching the horizon line

I can feel her electricity
On my hair and on my skin;

And she's been missing me-
That Autumn.

I can't wait
To call her mine.

Alarm City

It's 6:30 A.M.
And every alarm on the third floor is going off.
I only know this because it's Rush week-
And I've been up since 5:30
With everyone else.

The excitement is pretty brilliant on campus
You can feel it in the air.

So much for homework
This week...

Finding God

It feels so good,
After all of the searching-
To have finally found God.

He was there-
In the garden;
Cloaked in watercolor
And Never-dull;

Pouring sunshine down upon me,
Breathing air into my lungs.

And I felt Him
Everywhere.

And I'd missed him so much,
I laid back,
Out in the sun

Just to feel Him.

Away from chaos
Away from stress
Away from anxiety

Just me
And
My best friend

And the peace of knowing
Even though I've felt so far away from Him
I'm still right there
In the palm of His hand.

The Rain

Makes me feel at home today
I could put on
The Fray and
A pot of coffee

And write until I can't write
Anymore.

Here there is that poetry
That I
Used to find

In the quiet
City
Morning

Of Norman.

I sip inspiration in my
Morning tea;
And my fingers
Ache for acrylic

To bathe themselves in.

And all around me
There is paradise

And in the soft stillness
Of this black and white rain
My soul
Is rejuvenated and alive.

September 3, 2010

Home Turf.


Tigers bring it back to the Norman Original.

Let the tradition continue.

It Makes Me

Incredibly uncomfortable when
People stare at me in class.

I get it.
I know I don't have it all
Together

But could you stop rolling your
Eyes at me?

I spend most days wishing I was someone else.
And consistently
I betray myself.

I trace the lines of my own face,
And recognize nothing;

The blanks upon my pages,
Remain empty

And I fear discovery.

Habitually,
I talk low
Of myself,

And see no symphony-
No glory in my own eyes.

Gorgeous faces surround me
And I can not breathe from the feeling
Of
Inferiority.

And the only place,
I've ever felt home-

Is in between the pages
Of
Dickinson-

My quiet retreat.

The
Nights here,
Hang still-
Breathe me in,
Wish me out-
Sing me to sleep.

And I drink them
In the still song of silence;
The moments I must steal
From father time-

Before the tides pick up again.

I whisper
To you-
Under moonbeams
Because you understand

The ways of me.
And I have everything.

Curiosity.

There is this boy here, that never talks. Sometimes I worry about him. Always I wonder about him.
I wish there was a way to sit next to him, and open him up. But it's incredibly difficult because in everything he does he proclaims to love and defend his solitude.
I'd believe him if I didn't used to be the same way.
I wonder what his story is; where he came from, what his passions are.
Everyday I can't hardly contain myself when I see him
Because it might just be the day we become friends!
Real friends.

I want to be there for him so badly;
To make him laugh
Or feel something real-anything.

One of my best friends used to tell me all the time how I have this incredible ability to bring
People to life.
I think I've lost that.
I don't have it anymore.
But it's something I'd love to get back.

I used to have it together-
And that's something that most people that know me now would never believe.
I used to be hilarious and cool and collected.

But now I'm just a basket case.

It's amazing how insecurity destructs you
And eats away at the spirit inside of you that way.
It suffocates life
And cripples the soul.

I used to be secure
And confident-

And it's been made clear to me in the past few days,
That my insecurities are something that is incredibly evident.

I thought I'd been hiding it well.

Anyway,
If I still had the ability to move people-
I'd move him.

He is brilliant
And I want to make him see it.

I'd be lying if I said

that I'm not in a weird spot in my spirituality right now.

I feel as though my soul is pining-I am constantly chasing, constantly searching for Christ-but there's something in between us; something much bigger than me-a wall I am continuously coming up against; emotional warfare that I always seem to sink to the challenge of.

He's come in, he's cleaned house-but now, we're to the root of the problem-my idolatry. And it's all on the table. We can't move any further together until I stop worshipping the god that has had control of my life for the past 19 years.

Fear.

I fear so much of the future sometimes, it's hard to function.

It's a crazy thing; to have so much passion and conviction over something that I'm so terrified of. Every time we speak about Ramadan or the Middle East I get chills; heavy conviction floods my body-and I want to get on a plane and go.

I'm so afraid to go. I'm so afraid I'm not going to go about things right and I'm going to fail God. I'm so afraid of failing God-and running as far away as fast as I can.

I'm so afraid of what will happen if I don't go...of all the men and women who won't be lead to Christ.

And I'm afraid of going alone.

When I came here, my grandfather told me "For every female missionary there is a male missionary to go with her." But the truth is-people aren't responding to the call anymore. In this life, and in this free will-they don't HAVE to GO. They can choose not to go and many do.

Maybe I will go over there by myself. And that scares me.

It scares me to think of how big I can be with Christ...because it shows me how even at my best I was inadequate without him.

It scares me to think of all that I can do with him...because it shows I really can do NOTHING without him.

It scares me to see how far I can go...because I thought I've come so far.

It scares me to think that I can't even comprehend the plans he has for me because it's not in my control.

I am scared.

So we're stuck in a stalemate as I run from God.

I always find myself perfecting the act of "being a Jonah."

Today, I

Heard Mat Kearney on the radio.
It reminds me of that night,
When you were in Washington D.C.
And I called and sang to you on your answering machine


"What am I doing here-if you're not with me? What have I got to live for if it's just my own dream? Take it back to the beginning, back to the start; when gravity's pulling-you're still holding my heart..."

And I realized...

I was really good to you.

And in that realization,
I no longer felt bad about anything I'd said or done.

And I felt free.

Finally.

Tonight

Everything is weighing me down.

I am exhausted
Mentally
And emotionally
And sleep isn't anywhere to be found.

I miss my mom.
I miss my bed.
I miss the smell of my house.

Tonight-
I wish I was home.

Spin Around...

The trees here cradle me
And rain drenches and
Quenches the thirst of my soul.

And I'm taken back to that place
Where Dickinson would take me as a child.

She wrote of these hills-
I'm sure of it,
These small roads, so sleepy and quiet
Whispering would wake them.

Where songs from the piano ring out
And float upward,
But never escape these perfect canopies.

And sweet tea kisses my lips-
And it is poetry
When cheerful voices wrap around
The wooden porches of this tiny town-

Telling stories,
Whose faces belong wrapped in the lockets of time
That beckon lost souls to believe.


How I fall in love Here
With the old
Wooden staircases,
Book after book-
Row after row,
And I breathe still,

As I near the quiet picture windows
Thick with history;
Like a sonnet from a black and white
Memory.

And the scholars with their
Horn-rimmed classes,
And their fancy ties,
Southern drawls
And
Southern bell wives;

Each perfectly crafted characters of
A story-

That I'll someday tell

If anyone ever asks me what Christ has done for me.

I'll tell them he lead me here,
To this Paradise,
That I've only ever found in poetry;

This heaven.
This symphony.

In Hiding

My heart is heavy with conviction-God's been working in me the past three days. I feel Him everywhere, see him everywhere; and I keep piddling instead of hitting my knees. I know he's calling me. I knew it again in my missions class today, and I was there right in the middle of Isaiah 6:8 at the national all over again...the days after, the weeping, the wrestling; fighting God.
This war inside of me won't end. Divine v.s. evil. I choose God. I choose God. I choose Him...but still-the war wages. My fears get bigger then God gets bigger, then my fears, then God...my selfishness, then God.
I fear going, I fear not going. I'm terrified of not going.

"Wherever" I say...
But my feet aren't moving. They are running...like Jonah.

And every service, I meet Him at the door. Every day it's getting heavier. I weep for Him. I thirst for Him, I fear Him.
Still the piddling instead of praying.

And I am Jonah. Today, I am not Isaiah.

And it breaks my heart.
I wish this war would end. I wish I would stop wrestling Him.
I wish I would let Him win sooner than later.

Please God,
Help me to submit...

Because today, I'm crumbling in fear.

We're

Lonlier now;
Different somehow,
And we don't even understand it.

The knowing wells in our bellies
And fear keeps us from telling
The truth.

And there is no solid ground;
We're wading waters where we
Once stood
Secretly praying not to drown.

The emptiness that engulfs
Us
Presses down like gravity
Cloaks our eyes so we can't see-

Nothing is what it used to be.

And nothing is as it seems.

Homes

I can't wait until my birthday. Mom's coming to Nashville to see me! Hopefully we'll be able to see the city, but I think it will just be awesome to see each other. We've never spent this much time apart.
I'm lucky though, because it doesn't feel like I've been apart from her. I feel like I'm on vacation-a much needed vacation. And we talk every day.
I'm falling in love with this city.
I wish she would just move here.

I don't want to go back to Norman. There's too much sadness there.
I feel like these hills have always known me-
They are a part of my soul and I can't explain it.

It's like all along I was missing them and I never knew it.

And I don't know how anything from I 35 to East 24th will ever satiate me after I leave here.

I think in parting-it will create a thirst in me that
Will never die;

I could live here forever.

control.control.control.

I think the hardest things about Jade adapting in a new place is her need to control everything.

I hate how I get thrown out of my comfort zone and start scrambling. I read this great quote by Molly Ringwald the other day. It wasn't extremely philosophical but I keep going back to it. They asked her-"What's the best advice you could give to someone?" She said something to the affect of "Keep composure...and remember it really IS going to be OKAY."
And it's almost laughable when I vocalize it all my fears-
Which is what I was told to do a long time ago to cope with my OCD.

I find myself repeating

"Jade, it's OKAY that your index cards are not lined up perfectly."
"Jade it's OKAY that your face is not perfectly symmetrical."
"Jade it's OKAY that the left scoop of ice cream is not the same size as the right."
"Jade it's OKAY that your clothes aren't organized by color and size."
"Jade that is a mosquito bite-not cancer."
"Jade-those are heart palpitations from your anxiety. You're not having a massive heart
attack at the age of 19."

It's laughable, even writing it out. The fear is irrational and misplaced.


But if YOU saw my note cards...


You would understand.

"This my song, through endless ages-Jesus led me all the way..."

A few months ago, in church we were talking about divine moments; how they happen at least once if not many times throughout every Christian's walk with Christ. We talked about how those moments are special because they shake us to our core-whether it be through new opportunities that excite us or being broken so that Christ can prune our leaves and mend us back to health, they are all divine and all important in our journey.
I am so lucky that Christ broke my heart to save it. The call was so heavy at first. The burden on my heart-unspeakable. But I can't help but always reflect on those few days before the national when I was on my knees BEGGING God to enter in.
It's amazing how lost you can get on the journey...sometimes you walk ahead of God instead of following him.
I was in my plan, and worshiping with my body-but not my spirit. Now, I only long to chase Christ-to see what he has for me.
I am in no way perfect or close to it-and everything in this heart needs work. My habits, my jealousy, my judgment, my attitude, my need to control, my doubt, my fears; all of those things still need to be healed.
But now that I see Him with a fresh vision-there is hope of that healing. There is certainty.
"All the way my savior leads me..."

And I will follow until the end.

My Mansion

Today I decided to spend the afternoon curled up on my bed with the lights turned down, making coffee, writing letters, and listening to John.
It's pouring outside-which nourishes my soul.
Though I miss Mom and my friends-I don't miss Norman yet. And the more I fall in love with this city...I'm wondering if I ever will.
It sounds so harsh when I say it like that...My Norman-which was my home for so long, should make me feel more melancholy than I do. But...I don't.
There's just so much-too much, that happened. And when I think about driving down Main or Robinson, my stomach aches. When I consider the "What if's" like, 'What if I had stayed and gone back to OU?', I feel bound up and suffocated.
God did a miraculous thing for me. I needed out of Norman. I needed out of lock-down. I needed out of fear.
Did I outgrow Norman? No.
Did Norman fall out of love with me?
I think so.
And that part makes me sad. The place that once saved me and brought me peace became a "square peg, round hole" situation.
My life was put on pause by chaos,
And sorrow
And small-to-most, but large-to-me tragedies...
And in the end-God had to intervene.

I was hanging on to a cardboard box, when God had prepared for me a mansion.
A mansion full of faith.
A mansion full of love.
A mansion full of friends.

And every worry I ever had about leaving Norman-God took care of.
It's evident in this rain.

All around me, there is peace.

Thank you, God.


Finally-peace.
In YOU alone, my hope is found.

"Then I packed my car, and I headed east where I felt your fire and sweet release..."

God's Promise

The drive to Nashville was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.
Not many can say that, I'm sure-after enduring a grueling ten hour drive.
But for me it-it was a dream.

I've never seen anything as beautiful as the hills of Arkansas,
They wrap around you and satiate your soul.
They are a masterpiece that no one should ever go without seeing.

I always wonder as I drive through-
If I would appreciate them as much if I lived there.
I just know that every hour I was on the road-
I tasted them and savored them as long as I could.


One thing I noticed about the drive here,
Was that you could look back behind you, and we were constantly inclining.

Looking around at all the greenery-
On that highway...
I was reminded of the dream that I had in February,
When I was brought to the top of the mountain with Christ.

Throughout the trip I began to be amazed at the similarities
Between what I was seeing ahead of me
And what I experienced on that night so long ago.

And when the skies opened up-
Right outside of Nashville and began to pour down rain-
After weeks and weeks of dry 104 degree weather days...

I reflected on Christ's words to me

"Only I can satiate you. You'll never be thirsty with me."

I knew that rain was for me.



Thank you God for giving me my "high way"
And my mountain.

And
Thank you God,
For quenching the thirst of my soul-
After being in the desert for so long.

The Dream

I don't tell people much about the dream I had in February-partially because it's so sacred to me, and partially because I don't feel like many people would understand.
It used to sound crazy to me-when I'd say the words out loud. But more and more, it doesn't sound as crazy-because I've seen the magnificent works that Christ has done in just the past short month.
And now-I have to share it. I have to share the promise that he kept to me...the promise from Isaiah 35...the promise from the dream.

I've never been biblical savvy.
While I've always been a Christian, and love devotions-I'll be the first to admit that I don't devote as much time as I should to reading God's word.
Which is why when I had this dream-I had no idea that it was directly from scripture.

On that night in February...I was in the desert, at the base of a mountain of boulders. Everything around me was in sepia tones. There was no color, and I was terribly thirsty.
But I had to climb the mountain. I had to do it! On the other side were my old friends-my old life; my life before all the bad from last year happened...and I needed them back! I was determined to get them back.

As I began to climb, my whole body ached. I was drenched in sweat and so dizzy-so tired.

Suddenly,
I was hoisted up by a great force. In all of His glory, Christ was there...at the top of the mountain-waiting for me.
He looked rather ordinary, friendly, and like a father. He wore a red polo and jeans and offered me a ride in his red pickup.
Together-we road down a highway...around us plush greenery was sprouting up everywhere-there were valleys and creeks and the skies were blue; everything began blossoming in bright color!
Inside, he sat next to me, but I could feel his love all around me. I was completely secure.

He began speaking to me as he handed me a beautiful collage.

"This is the person I have for you. I have someone especially for you. But you must follow me. Those people...they will never satiate you. Only I can satiate you. You will not thirst with me. Will you follow me?"

The collage was rich with things I loved...pictures of my favorite flowers, historical figures...random odds and ends.

Suddenly, he let me down on the other side of the mountain...to see (I gathered) what my life would be without him.
On the other side was an enormous, gorgeous, round fountain (once again in sepia tones)-that had run completely dry. On the edges...sat all the people throughout my life that had broken my heart, or left me, or belittled me.

And I thirsted for His grace again; and I longed for the top of that mountain so much that I awoke with my heart pounding...

I knew it had to mean something huge-

And I was right.

"I'll lean on you, and you'll lean on me-and we'll be okay..."

"Just this thing that seasons do..."

Ready for jacket weather.

Five Days

The Birthday Party